Relationships are The Sole Determiner of Your Worth

RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE SOLE DETERMINER OF YOUR WORTH

A couple of weeks ago I had a very profound discussion with my friend Keneiloe. It started off as just basic girl talk, but we all know that girl talk never ends without men consuming about 80% of the discussion. In the midst of all the laughter and craziness she said something that hit me and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. She said and I quote “relationships determine and reveal the way that you as a person feel about yourself and the self worth you possess” From then on not only did I begin to reflect on my past relationships but also on my own personal growth from then till now. Those very words inspired this article.

A study was done and it revealed that the most googled word is ‘love’. Many say that love is just a word until someone special comes along and gives it meaning. People go through their lives just seeking love. This is why there are so many reality shows these days centred on finding love and meeting your soul mate. Even social networks have become a means of finding love and I am not just talking about dating sites. I am sure that we have all come across those inboxes and twitter direct messages from random people confessing their love for you just by viewing your pictures. Some people genuinely want to get to know you by using social networks as a medium to do so, while others just want the easy way into your panties or your pockets. You might think I’m being harsh but it’s simply a harsh reality. 

Love is a beautiful feeling. No one wants to ever go through life without a partner. No amount of money can ever fulfil the beauty of sharing life with someone special. Yes you can use money to get the ladies and actually attract them by gloating about how deep your pockets go, but as much as men would like to deny it, finding that one special partner is far more valuable than “making it rain” on ten thousand other women. We live in a society that has allowed statistics to condone infidelity. We read things like ‘’  in terms of ratio there are more men than women so in all fairness women have to accept that men must be shared’’ or the very common words that many women utter “money doesn’t pay the bills”. All this proves is that in as much as we all seek love we use and abuse the true essence of it for our own selfish needs. We hurt each other; take advantage of each other’s ability to love and use each other and hide behind the word love because we are aware of the weight and importance that lies within the word love.

Singlehood has been placed with so many negative connotations. When someone is single we immediately assume that they are lonely and so desperate for love that they are willing to accept anyone that just glances towards their direction. Single does not mean lonely. In fact being single is the most precious time that is given to you. In your season of being single you can use that time to fully discover yourself. You can even work out a personal balance sheet of your life. Setting aside the people, things, fears and doubts that are holding you back in life as your liabilities. Measure them against the valuable people, things, aspirations, dreams, goals and influences as assets that you need to acquire and maintain in your life. This is the only balance sheet that violates accounting rules. By law of accounting liabilities and assets are suppose to be equal. But your personal balance sheet should actually have the assets outweighing the liabilities. For a well balanced life is when all the assets in your life overshadow and even abolish all the liabilities in your life, in that way a life bursting with hope and meaning is easily accessed. 

The song Hero by Mariah Carey holds so much meaning for me. It simply states that all the strength you need to make it through life lies within you. You are your greatest encourager to conquer all odds and only you have the ability to turn your tests into testimonials. Now the deception comes in when we are made to believe that being single only leads to depression. That is the biggest lie that you can ever feed your mind. What I am about to tell you needs to sink into the mind of a very mature mentality.....

In life you can never give or try to receive what you yourself don’t have. You can’t go through life trying so hard to find love and someone special to share your life with if you yourself are not fit enough to give that love back. We are so consumed about finding our ‘list man or woman’ you know that partner that has all the things you have written down and engraved in your mind. Love is not a check list that allows you to just mark off characteristics like a grocery list and if someone fits into your criteria that ultimately leads you to being madly in love with them. You can find yourself meeting that ‘’list partner’’ but find that feelings are not there at all and no matter how hard you try, the connection just doesn’t exist. Validation gives you inner peace but we are so frustrated as people these days because we are drawing all the wrong sources of validation. Money, sex, partying, women and men can fulfil your immediate satisfaction but once the immediate feeling is satisfied an even deeper sense of loneliness emerges. In no way am I judging anyone who partakes in these activities. All I am saying is that when the reasoning behind them ends up being a medium to feel validated you are creating a very dangerous space to reside in. 

We have all been hurt and heartbroken at some stage in our lives. If you were to really sit and reflect on your past relationships you would realise that you played a major role in your own heart ache. We are so quick to blame the douche bags and women who left us scarred but we fail to take responsibility ourselves. When someone continually lies, deceives, uses and cheats on you, you condone it with the words “but I love them”. When someone tells you from the get go that they are not really looking for a serious relationship, you deceive yourself and believe that you can change their mindset. Then you want to turn around and blame them for not taking you seriously and for using you when you led yourself to the situation you are in. You then hide yet again behind the words ‘’but I love them’’. When you are completely aware that someone has a wife or husband and you know the intensity of their marriage, you still allow yourself to be placed on the sidelines and believe that they will leave a union built upon God for you. When they don’t leave their partner you begin to feel belittled and used. Yet you still hide behind the words “but I love them’’ No one can ever do to you what you don’t allow them to do.

Do not ever go through life believing that love hurts. Love is to beautiful and pure to ever hurt.  What love will do is to bring forth challenges between two people but the depth of their love is exercised through such challenges. Yes we are human and we are bound to slip and do stupid things that will hurt the ones we love.  When you continuously commit the same acts though, is when you start using love as opposed to being in love. Relationships reveal your self worth. If you are willing to allow yourself to be abused, hurt, lied to, cheated on and used continuously it is time that you realise that you need to work on yourself. No one who truly loves themselves can allow their worth to diminish all in the pursuit of love.  You need to stop fearing being alone and start worrying about the person who is dying inside daily, all because you are yearning for validation. 

No one will ever complete you. Stop allowing your mind to be fed by movie storylines that say that true love completes you. True love is when two complete people come together in a union that maximises their true self by being together. Spot how I said maximises and not reveals. Your true love will maximise on what you have already worked on, in as much as you will maximise what they have already worked on.  Stop going through life jumping from one partner to the next to fill that void that your ex left within you. Deal with yourself and in the process uphold your dignity and worth. The results will begin to show because you will start attracting the right kind of people simply because what is shinning within will radiate onto your exterior. People settle for less because they don’t know their worth. They are too scared to take time to discover what truly makes them happy all because they fear being lonely. Loneliness is nonexistent in a mindset that knows what it wants and where it is going. Only you determine the intensity of such a mindset.

Relationships also reveal your own nature. If you are willing to cheat, lie or deceive someone who is truthful to you just to fulfil your own desires, what that does is reveal the nature of your character. You can’t claim to love someone if you are willing to use them. Do not hide behind such a powerful word (love) to condone your own actions.

Something to think about: the next time you find yourself in a relationship where you feel you are compromising your own self worth; before you say “but I love him/her” listen to that voice inside that says ‘MEANING YOU DON’T LOVE ME ENOUGH’!!!